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Submitted on
January 7, 2004
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have you ever been an addict.  and im not talking
about the hey-i-like-to-do-this-alot type of addict.
im talking about the
if-i-dont-get-it-right-now-im-going-to-fucking-blow-someones-head-off
type of addict.  im an addict.  ive never blown anyone
to get it.  i dont think i would.  but i havent been
given the opportunity to either.  the reason i say 'i
dont think i would' is because i like to pretend that
i still have something thats mine.  dignity, pride,
standards.  but i know i would easily toss those away
just to get it.  i know because i have.  so all i
really have is it.  for one hour.  for two hours.  for
fifteen minutes or however long it last.  however long
i can afford it to last.  ill be high for fifteen
minutes if thats all i can get.

im an addict.  i dont get high just to get high.  i
get high just to get my mind off getting high for a
few hours.  after a fix im good for eight hours.
maybe.  then the last of my previous highs memory
cells dry up and i want.  need.  how can i get
my next fix.  when.  how soon.  can i afford it.
scratch that.  how soon.

i timed it once.  seventy seven dollars got me high
for just shy of a hundred minutes.  but i got my fix.  and
yet i was broke.  funny how they call it a fix.  each
new fix is like a hollowtip exploding out my backside.
internal bleeding.  external bleeding.  but i dont
feel it.  until i come down.

i should get help.  i know.  i should get help finding
it and paying for it because the more im high the more i
live.  do i want to stop.  yes.  i want to stop
searching for my fix.  i want to stop the hours
inbetween each fix thinking about the next fix each
fix whispering to me that it will be better than the
last fix.  i want to stop.  and i will.  i will when
im rolling around in fields of my drug.  when i wont
need a fix because its everywhere and i dont have to
get high because i already am and i will be forever
because everywhere i look is my drug and its holding
me and telling me that im sexy and i will never come
down because i live in a castle in the sky.

so now you know what addicts dream of.

i am an addict.  and i love it.  it has its positives
and negatives.  and im positive im negative.  or so im
told.  by myself.  my brain can hold two opposing
thoughts.  one, that this fix is just what i needed.
and two, that i need a fix.

and now its time.  

i can hear my drug calling.  i pick up the phone.

i say hello.
she says i love you.
my fix.

and im good for another eight hours.
i wrote this because i am an addict.

SS photomanip by #wicked-eve

drug. weee.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconkendraaa91:
Kendraaa91 Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012
I think many would agree, no one loves being an addict. I speak from sheer experience, I've absolutely never enjoyed having this disease... It's fucked up
Reply
:iconfantasmorte:
fantasmorte Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2010
Why is this not a DD? D:
Reply
:iconforgetthedreampoet:
forgetthedreampoet Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2010   Writer
Absolutely amazingly perfect.
Reply
:iconxloveinmusicx:
xLoveinMusicx Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
the impression i got from the end was that SHE was your drug. that love, the phone call, were your fix.. and i thought that was a great twist. but then all of the comments don't agree...... so idk. >.<
Reply
:iconm112a:
m112a Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
YOUR WORDS GOT MY HANDS AND FEET NUMB.
Reply
:iconpuestodelsol:
puestodelsol Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2009  Hobbyist Photographer
this is a brilliant piece of work! it has been featured in a news article about addiction and disorders here... [link] thank you for this!
Reply
:iconpeace-or-release:
peace-or-release Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2009
Man I've been where you are at right now except my addiction finally took everything from me until I ended up homeless then in jail...Had I not been locked up I would have died though. This is very goo how you expressed it though and I hope you liked my post
Reply
:iconpeace-or-release:
peace-or-release Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2009
It comes from deep inside
stripping you of everything
having no desire to let go,
suffocating you
even when you sleep its there,
breathing inside of you
taking what it wants
til theres nothing left to give

Once again it takes over you
the dark cloud you breathe in
the poison you stick in your vein
now leading a life of lies and deceit
there's no more happiness, no light left inside

you vowed to never come here again
yet here you are
beaten, walking now with the dead
broken down by a pulsless, omnipotent beast
and as it grows inside
consuming everything good that once was
all that is left is
this

Now there truely is nothing
you and your disease
knowing you'll never be whole again
you still try to pick up the smoldering ashe
that was once you
still its there.....smiling
as it kills you
Reply
:iconmake-a-snappy:
make-a-snappy Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2009
this is real good.
Reply
:icongg42997:
gg42997 Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2008
i like it, this really brings this out in the clear for me.
Reply
:iconelephantsintheforest:
salute
Reply
:iconsea-rab:
sea-rab Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2008
i'm in love with you
Reply
:iconbrennanduffy:
brennanduffy Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2008
beautifully brilliant. incredibly well writen. kudos!
:worship:
Reply
:iconlilrat:
lilrat Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2008
oh and i like how in the end, you ended it in a "im just ganna clean this up real fast" sort of vibe, sort of like how you do once you gat what you want, and nothing matters, not even the words you said before or how much you want to stop, because it there and your there and it feels like everything is going to be ok.
Reply
:iconlilrat:
lilrat Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2008
i totaly understand, this means a lot. ALOT

every time im sober i cant stop crying. im mean to my friends and think everyone is trying to hurt me. and i would hurt myself and take sleeping pills, because passing out for hours is better then one more min of being awake with the pain and empty feeling. people need to under stand things like this to grow up and lean how to treat it, it prob the worst thing you can do to yourself.
you cant use drugs without abusing them, you just cant control yourself. its inhuman.
Reply
:iconsariamaru:
SariaMaru Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2007
Hello everyone. My Name is Sarah, and I'm an Addict.
I love it. It reminds me of how I feel when I'm not around the one I love. I've been away from him almost 7 hours.... *sigh* and It is approximatly 7 Hours til I see him again... Waaaaaaaaaaaay Too LONG!!!!!! I write, and I love, and as both a writer and a lover I declare this a true piece of art.
Reply
:iconlittlewindow:
littlewindow Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2007   Digital Artist
wow.
wowowowow.
-favorites-
Reply
:iconmlmlv:
mlmlv Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2007
this is incredible; it made me cry. amazing, i love it.
Reply
:iconshadeegray15:
ShadeeGray15 Featured By Owner May 18, 2007  Student Traditional Artist
i can take that text to many levels. i like how you cleared it up in the end...very clever.
Reply
:iconsmileefreekeegrl:
smileefreekeegrl Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2007
Oh that's really sweet.
At first I thought you were a crack addict or something!
That makes me happy :]
<3
Reply
:iconautumnalfrost:
AutumnalFrost Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2006
*bitter laugh*
I'm waiting to blow someone's head off at the moment. Best of luck to you.
Reply
:iconlivingcomforteagle:
livingcomforteagle Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2006
this is wonderful, whether you read it as the telephone, or drugs.

damn. now I have to envy your pictures AND your writing?
Reply
:iconthebug:
TheBug Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2006
Wow... This is beautiful.
Reply
:iconkellina6875:
Kellina6875 Featured By Owner May 24, 2006
I'm an addict. I understand. It's hard to fight. sweating.. staying up at night.. fighting cravings.. I understand.. I feel for you.. it haunts you and attacks you.. no one understands.. I understand.. thanks for sharing.. really.
Reply
:iconsw33t-xtc:
Sw33t-XtC Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2005
This is how i feel every time im at work.. lol :( I really need a cure...
Reply
:iconwtfisthatdude:
wtfisthatdude Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2005
This is probably the best piece of writing I have seen on DA.. for obvious reasons. Def +fav and def +watch. Can't wait to read more of your stuff
Reply
:iconthe-sketch:
the-sketch Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2005   Writer
this is SO NICE. so ROMANTIC. like proposing to someone. ^^
Reply
:icondrift150:
Drift150 Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2005
Wonderful. I started reading it some time ago, but stopped because I didn't care to read about a junkie's thoughts. Re-read it (to the end) just now and loved it, understanding what you meant.

I'm that kind of junkie too, craving for a fix most of the time...
Reply
:iconwicked-eve:
wicked-eve Featured By Owner May 23, 2005
your pallor cheeks make waves for rosy lips
my tongue inside your mouth, dips; trips;
falls into you.

your gentle hands do mold and shape me;
make me. awake me. take me..
away.

oh to find a million kisses in each electric current
in my heart,
oh to find them and devour them..
knife and fork them.
swallow them.

like the thousand semen streams you've let escape,
let coat my throat, and caress my face.

passionately.

i beg for timid touches, and park sitting lunches.
with ducks to quack away this distance
with squirells to bread ball stop my misses.

who needs forever?
i do.
who makes things better?
you do.

she misses he.
i misses you.
i do.
i miss you.

(lame, i know)

:heart:
Reply
:iconobsidianskie:
obsidianskie Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2005
wow, that was really neat...
Loved it...
Reply
:iconnondescrypt:
nondescrypt Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2005
i love it i love it i love it =)
Reply
:iconerradhadh:
Erradhadh Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2004
You are absolutely tight. As an addict that's really not an addict, but is..but I know what Im doing is wrong and you were right...and I could just feel that maybe I wasn't insane...but then you ended so beautifully...so amazingly perfectly that there are no words. You put the addiction of the heart in words so fervent in their desperation to get your high...the high of the voice on the other end of the line...and I just bow down, wishing you all the luck in the world...wishing that only sunlight be cast upon your life.
Reply
:iconmibi:
mibi Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2004
ooo... thank you very much for the wonderful comment ... this peice, ofcourse, is from the heart.
Reply
:iconthreenineteen:
threenineteen Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2004
Simply amazing work here. I've been rendered speechless... so I guess a :+fav: will have to do.
I really wish I could say more...

Keep it up, friend. :thumbsup:
Reply
:iconmholzem:
mholzem Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2004
Wait a sec... Seventy dollars shouldn't ge you 100 minutes on a payphone. I do like the misleading of the attention. Very good writing.
Reply
:iconmholzem:
mholzem Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2004
Are you really an addict?
Reply
:iconblackchai:
blackchai Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2004
i can't help it.
re-reading all your writing is time consuming. :heart:
Reply
:iconklentex:
klentex Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2004
too close to home to begin with...but i love the ending. it softens the truth behind what a "real" addict can be like, by throwing in those last words...
Reply
:iconwicked-eve:
wicked-eve Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2004
oh god...spooky eyes.
baby i cant sleep. :tears:

:heart:
Reply
:icong33k-ch1k:
g33k-ch1k Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2004   Writer
I read this twice.

I can't decide if i like the fucky grammar and punctuation or if it detracts for me. I assume it was written in this way to create an air of desparation, but my editor wanted to correct you.

You know the concept and language are amazing so i don't need to say that :)

~elitist sent me to you, glad she did :)
Reply
:icondanielzklein:
danielzklein Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2004  Hobbyist Writer
There's an IRC channel that I've been frequenting ever since 97. One of its most respected members, an op as well, once came out saying that he was an addict, and he was kinda feeling bad from an overdose. One of those over-caring kekeke I hug you ^^ girls went into care modus. You have to get help, she said. He said, nah, you know, I don't really want to get help. I like it this way. But, it's going to hurt you, she said. Yeah, he replied, I know it's not healthy. It can't be healthy. But it feels so good. She told him he should see a doctor. He said, hmm, maybe you're right, maybe I should see a doctor. It went on for this for half an hour, until he disconnected and she dissolved into a heap of worries.

The bastard never told her he was talking about a girl.

So, same concept, different approach. Very disjointed style there, but it absolutely reached its effect. The punchline is sweet, short, delivered with enough speed and impetus. It's nothing that makes me go wow, but that's only because I HAVE heard it before (matter of fact, I had come up with the same idea myself once before and used it for a sappy lovesong.. urgh). Solid idea, well done.

And 77 bucks? Dude, what were you doing with her?
Reply
:iconsuzyprice:
suzyprice Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2004  Professional General Artist
Beautiful.
Reply
:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner May 24, 2004
Such lovely words. Such a lovely twist.

Literary blissfullness.
Reply
:iconrayven-filth:
rayven-filth Featured By Owner May 19, 2004
that was awesome. really wonderful. you captured it perfectly.

~*KittiE
Reply
:iconmaravillosa:
maravillosa Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2004
thats really deep.. its awesome..

:+fav:
Reply
:iconguarana:
Guarana Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2004
I enjoyed it. The informal style of writing adds a great touch to it.
Reply
:icontoothpaste:
toothpaste Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2004
Very nice twist at the end. You are a genius.
Reply
:iconwoxul5:
woxul5 Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2004
Hm. In all honesty I didn't really know whether I liked it or not until the end. In which case, I thought you closed it so brilliantly that it was pretty good after all.

I still have a couple problems with it though, which could probably be fixed with a little bit of revising. Firstly it's just grammar related. When asking a question, there should be a question mark at the end of it. There are a few areas, near the beginning where you failed to do that. Not a big deal of course, just something I noticed. :)

The other thing is that you get a little bit repetitive at times, and this could possibly be because of the limited vocabulary and language throughout it. I guess that if you broadened it a little bit, added some flavour to the language in this piece then that might take away from the repetitive feel to it. Mind you, that might also take away from the frantic tone, so I'm not sure. Heh.

Anyway, overall it was pretty good. It kept me interested, and I like the ending. Good job.
Reply
:iconmibi:
mibi Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2004
thanks for your comments.... i didnt use question marks because i didnt intend them as questions... they may be in question asking form...but to an addict... "can i afford it" and "do i need it" ...are not questions at all...

:)
Reply
:iconlikearaq:
likearaq Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2004   Writer
BleuuAARGh (:vomit:)
Yeah, Huh.
I particularly like the messed-upness of it all.
Reply
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