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Its last call, spread the word up must come down town ship recognize me from that bar code name tag your it and no backsies...

im sorry, my names jesse jackson five star hotel me whats your sign your name on the dotted line of sightseer over there, yeah the one with the tight tube top spin out of control... ok now brace yourself

Can i buy you a beer keg stand up for your rights dont make a wrong and vice versa
vs a vice grip on reality bites the bulletin bored out of my mind field of view

So whats your perfect drug ring on your finger four leg lock the door bell curves on that female man always rings twice... no wait, thats the milky way to go man you blew it

Excuse me bartender loincloth around your waiste bandwagon train of thought provoking Tutankhamun sense of humor me... so i dont look like a moron that later alligator skin tone deaf dumb and blind as a batters box spring summer and fall

Please help me up settle down payment in full moon light speed at 186,000 miles per second thought ill pass
on that last beer belly dancer furiously shaking her hippopotamustard and relish this moment um...

i seem to have forgotten what to say next...

Microphone check please.
im submitting this as an accompaniment to my art poerty piece... since it might be a bit hard to read for some folks....

the art-poerty is here [link]

and it might take a few reads or some effort to get the schematics going on here... but it should be fairly obvious....

enjoy!
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:iconveganeskimo:
VeganEskimo Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2004
Ha, I love this! This is the best play on words I've seen since "Take Me To Your Leader" by Newsboys. I really picked up on it here:

Can i buy you a beer keg stand up for your rights dont make a wrong and vice versa
vs a vice grip on reality bites the bulletin bored out of my mind field of view

And that was one of the best parts of it. The best parts were:

Can i buy you a beer keg stand up for your rights dont make a wrong and vice versa
vs a vice grip on reality bites the bulletin bored out of my mind field of view

So whats your perfect drug ring on your finger four leg lock the door bell curves on that female man always rings twice... no wait, thats the milky way to go man you blew it

Excuse me bartender loincloth around your waiste bandwagon train of thought provoking Tutankhamun sense of humor me... so i dont look like a moron that later alligator skin tone deaf dumb and blind as a batters box spring summer and fall

And they're all next to each other. Anyway, I'm favving.
Reply
:icondjdouglas:
djdouglas Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2004
yeah i hate to be the bearer of bad news but in all of these title images you've created for your poetry...you've spelled the word "poetry" wrong in them.

now for the good news: i love this poem! holy hell this poem would be fun to read to an audience! really had to take my time reading it but it was well worth it~

:thanks:

:thumbsup:

:clap:
Reply
:iconaixerona:
aixerona Featured By Owner May 13, 2004
christ i love your style. there's the whole spoken word feel to it, but not only spoken or "slam"ed word, the word attached to another in a dislocated yet flows together smoothly sort of way. isee what you're working on. of course the whole "work" feel sometimes escapes from this, what i'm trying to sayi is sometimes i can tell where the struggle of -where to go next- comes in, some lines can be remade or reworked with, some things can be added and rearranged, remember just because you posted it doesn't mean it's over with, take your ending for example, this isn't over yet. you've started something great, (i mean your piece, not the whole movement, lol) so either keep it up or come back and polish it, i love it nonetheless, once you have more to say, more words will come and this will only grow more and more amazing. great piece my friend. i loved it.
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:iconmibi:
mibi Featured By Owner May 13, 2004
thanks for the lovely comment.... i really appreciate it... as for this peice, its pretty much done... i dont think i could really improve on this particular one too much... i could write another one in the same style... but this story, this guy...has already left the bar ;) .... you might want to check out the art poetry version... maybe the images will help you get a better feel of the peice... its here. .. [link]

again... thanks alot.... oh and btw... i actually did slam this once... but as you can imagine... its very hard to speak aloud and even harder for the audience to even know what your doing... :heart:
Reply
:iconderivablezero:
derivablezero Featured By Owner May 12, 2004
hot damn.
jesse, i was chewing on an ink pen but then my jaw gaped and it fell in my lap.
now my lap has druel on it and i have this blank, almost confused stare in my eyes.
but i'm not confused. i'm not wondering i'm not thinking i'm just THERE. right there, in your poem, with your speaker.
even if there is no substance, even if you didn't want any deeper meaning, even if you were just playing with words,
i swear to god i was there.
and i love this.
Reply
:iconmibi:
mibi Featured By Owner May 13, 2004
no substance!.. how dare you! ... just kidding... you might want to check out the art poetry version .... the images provide a little more ....substance ;) .... its here [link]

thanks rabbi... your comments are alwaysa treat...
Reply
:iconevilfaeries:
evilfaeries Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2003   Writer
Wow. I like the way the words just.. hmm.. i dont know the exact word for it, but they like blend into the next line.. i really like that..

you always have this amazing unique style that you write in.. and Im always so amazed at everything that I read by you.

I dont really think this is poetry tho, id say more like prose.
but either way, its good.
no suggestions to make it better, because i cant imagine it getting better.

:heart:
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:iconzimeta:
Zimeta Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2003  Hobbyist Digital Artist
cool. Nice coloring! :)
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:iconcocoon:
cocoon Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2003
nice...love the way you puzzled it up...i'm gonna check out the poetry :)
Reply
:iconrunnerup:
runnerup Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2003
Um.

Pause.

HELL YES!

That's it.

Please continue.

Heart
Reply
:iconwernstrum:
wernstrum Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2003
amazing, i like the concept of destructive tendancies of thought structure. glad i came by
Reply
:iconwindigo:
windigo Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2003
reminds me of experimental jazz. i have mixed feelings about this though, i mean i absolutely love the wordplay and quirky rhythms; but it didnt touch me in any way personally. other than that, its very clever and fun to read. i would like to read more of this from you. :) (Smile)
Reply
:iconfauxgravity:
fauxgravity Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2003

the concept isn't boundary-breaking, i've seen it utilised here and there by people in love with words and word play. it's a great example of it though, a lot of the transitional work made me smile and i do love it when that happens. however, you really need an ending, something sharp and strong to say: take away what i have said and remember it. it trickles off, and i see that you wanted to make that thematic, but it just didn't work for me. however... 'no wait, thats the milky way to go man you blew it'is disjunctional and perfect, a great example of how to break through formalities and still ease the reader into what you have to say. overall, i think it's a strong piece. it needs editing, and for the love of god get yourself a better ending.
Reply
:iconsnarling-snail:
snarling-snail Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2003
well it looks as if I have to be the only skeptic in the lot so far. the clang associations of this piece are no doubt impressive and appear painstaking to have created. your's is certainly a patience few possess. however, I fail to grasp the substance of the piece if, in fact, there is any. for its purely suggestive nature, this is more subtle than subtle. I would call it not poetry but philosophy of poetry. nonetheless, for this reason, its potential is overwhelming. if you intend to write more of this sort of thing, you'll need to devise a way to tap that potential and convert some of it into meaning. I suggest, among endless possibilities, highlighting words in a vertical pattern in order to form a more explicit parallel text. possibly, you could tie the more prominent associated phrases into a utility this way. since my bent is toward the written, rather than spoken, word I am not inclined to accept or praise this so much as it is. but, I realize the concept is boundary-breaking and, if utilized correctly, could lead to a very interesting form.
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:icongustoboy:
gustoboy Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2003

this reminds me of the work of a transgendered person named grover who performed locally once.

its very enjoyable.
Reply
:iconwicked-eve:
wicked-eve Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2003
definately a thank you yo Wendy.
im like wow with a capital "W".

So whats your perfect drug ring on your finger four leg lock the door bell curves on that female man always rings twice... no wait, thats the milky way to go man you blew it

that whole part appealed to me the most...
absolutely delicious writing here.
spoken word or word period...its amazing.
+fav
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:iconwu-wei:
wu-wei Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2003

Thanks to wendy for this one - I love the free associational stylings; and many of the twists you introduced were just plain fucking witty.

Different styles are so rarely seen around here - I like this much.
Reply
:icontmpst24myst:
tmpst24myst Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2003  Student Writer
Yeah, I agree with ~pantopicon. The first time through the first stanza I couldb't believe what I was reading. I reread it to find that I was infact reading it the way it was meant to be written. This is one of the first writing styles I adapted too way back in the day almost fourteen years ago. I recognized it right away. Hats off to you for the memories. Not many people can accomplish writing like this and maintain cohesion throughout the read.

There are a few patches that could be smoothed over to give it a silk texture and minor touch ups with certain runs that lead the reader a little too far away.

Yes, this slammed would kick so much more ass than it already does.

tmpst-
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:icondrippingblood:
drippingblood Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2003
lol


i really like this, mucho different from other da writings i have seen. wendy sent me here & it was worth it
Reply
:iconkillcapital:
killcapital Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2003
Me being a fan of spoken word, and a writer of it on occasion, I am in love here. I agree with everything Wendy said. She stole my words. At first I wanted to say, 'Give me some of this and that to show the rhyme scheme.', of course. But no, fuck that. I read it again and there really is no need for you to treat the reader like a damn grade school flunkie. The rhyme is easy to catch and leads the way for the read at a remarkable pace, indeed. Ok, I will mention that I love the ideas placed inside as well. The total package here.

This shouldn't just be slammed, but SLAMMED.

I mut say that I have yet to catch this form of slam/spoken word poetry here; roughly a year. Enjoyed indeed.
Reply
:iconubetyourboots:
ubetyourboots Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2003   Writer
waiste = waste

And are you sure that's the correct spelling of...um...King Tut's full name? I don't know for sure, but I could have sworn that there was an e somewhere in his name.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say about this poem was:

yes, yes, fucking YES. A thousand makeout sessions to panto for sending me to this one.

+fav Ding!

Ube.
Reply
:iconpantopicon:
pantopicon Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2003
Damn, I really enjoyed this piece. Initially, the very pronounced fragmented nature of each stanzaed paragraph was difficult to access, but once I'd established your rhythms, and actually, read this aloud a number of times, the disjunct really worked, and the transitions between each section acquired a kind of beaten cohesion.

Ideationally, this kicks ass, and you take the reader on this bumpy journey through a kind of wasteland that is extensive in its scenic grasp --> not urban, precisely, not suburban, not rural, but a really wild admixture of all three --> the landscape of the margins, as your images and your structure suggests, inform and cross each other as references.

Very interestingly done. I'd love to see this slammed.
Reply
:iconjellycious:
jellycious Featured By Owner May 31, 2003
Confused
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