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In dependant women i find the brink of lost hope
A tilted ice skating rink
With a layer of soft soap.
A broken vase. Poker face. No joker, ace.
The hand shes dealt is knuckles
and a battery of bible belt buckles

He chuckles...

She wears the make up so he wont lose face.
Fat slouch, soiled briefs, mouthful of tooth paste.
He's a relic from a past era.
She will never run faster than her mascara.
Scared...waiting for the second R to come
Scarred...no healing, beckon martyrdom.
Far from numb...but palsy ingrained
A flesh of mesh...and everything taken in vein.

Maiden turned maid
Laden with Jade
A once bright son, faded to shade.
Lost first, past second, now life is third nature.
Memory’s mummery and mammary’s milk
Now nothing but a trifle herd of stray blurs...

Eyes of overdue cataracts
Still life lies in matters of fact.

Her excuses are frail.
Each night she reads her bruises like Braille.
i wrote this a while ago...then overhauled it... cut out some stanzas changed others... i hope you dig it
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:iconluckydawg:
luckydawg Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2010  Hobbyist Artist
beautiful.
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:iconwuie:
wuie Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2006   Writer
My jaw is still agape.
Reply
:iconvioletxquigley:
violetxquigley Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2005
i can really relate to this...
women are always seen as the "lower species"
"less important" "here to clean and cook"
i live in quite a sexist life.
at boxing and karate, the instructors will always put me with children or other girls afraid that i am weak and then they wonder why the children they put me with get battered and never think that it could be that i am as good as any of them..men and women...old and young.
very deep artwork..very very deep and meaningful.
Reply
:iconwicked-eve:
wicked-eve Featured By Owner May 23, 2005
i likely typo'd that a few times...(blush)
Reply
:iconwicked-eve:
wicked-eve Featured By Owner May 23, 2005
how does it feel to be as in love with jess as you are?

it's like this anticipation
likethis constant rush:
like being sucked into heaven
on the tail of a comet;
i'm hot, and when he touches me
every pore of my being orgasms;
and i'm lost in his eyes,
some galaxy in his eyes, spangles
and an infinity of empty, dark space submerges my heart;
and i just know now..
the true meaning of love,
the real meaning of life;
it's like i'm falling into his eyes,
a throbbing cascade,
into the heart of never never,
and were giving birth endlessly to each other,
grinning till we feel
like our head's are going to split open.
and all our dreams..are surrounding us,
and every breath we take--is for each other,
and all my worries~while present~seem to be on hold..
and i see when i look at him, the future..
and it's beyond words--beyond beautiful--beyond human understanding...

that's what being soo in love with jess feels like.

:heart:
Reply
:iconlovelylookinlady:
LovelyLookinLady Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2004  Hobbyist General Artist
I love this, it is so brutly honest. I can relate to it, but hey, shit happens right. I love the picture, too. You are really good poet.
Reply
:iconladyred:
LadyRed Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2004
not much to say, i love your poems.. tho i get funny looks sitting here in this apartment while everyone else is watching tv.

my favorite thing to do is read it outloud because you get a better feeling of what rythm you were going for and the emotion its supposed to press on you.

keep up the good sing song.
Reply
:iconwicked-eve:
wicked-eve Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2004
definitely one of the more open and interesting pieces you've written.
it has alot of content.
the flow, in my opinion, is touch and go..in parts.
but really powerful in other's, which kind of makes up for it.
i've kind of given up on commenting on your writing babe, only
because..i start thinking, you think i like it, because my relations i am
obligated to. lol. :heart:

however, i do enjoy it when you write
about topics of interest to me.
and this is definitely that. :heart:

you rock me, you roll me, you utterly control me.
meow. hehe. xoxx
Reply
:iconmibi:
mibi Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2004
yeah its one of my earlier works... and has gone through some revisions... i agree about he flow and stuff... and dont feel obligated to like it... and please tell me if you dont.... cause i will tel you your shit sucks... if it does... haha no seriously... if you dont fav this we are not friends... just kidding... we are friends forever! :heart:
Reply
:iconwicked-eve:
wicked-eve Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2004
hey,
i had fun with tweedle-dee [on your page]
and tweedle-dum [kandace, again]
this morning. :heart:

i do love it babe, i wouldn't of said i did/do, if i didn't/don't.

you should know me well enough by now, to know my sincerity.

:kiss:

i'll talk to you later today babe.

:love:
Reply
:iconevolvearth:
evolvearth Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2004
I liked the poem, but I had a few problems.

The rhythm was very good, which I wish my poetry had decent rhythm, but the second stanza has a problem with the rhythm I couldn't quite put my finger on. I suggest just reworking the rhythm with that one to match the rest of the poem itself.

Oh, you should use the word "vain" instead of "vein." A vein is just something blood travels through. Vain is related to vanity and such.
Reply
:iconatomicbushbaby:
atomicbushbaby Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2004
This is just brilliant, mate! :+fav:!
Reply
:iconexitdust:
ExitDust Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2003
oh wow man. you know, i never even knew this was a poem, for some reason i thought it was just the picture, which i always liked. the guy in it looks likes he has already completely undressed her and had his way with her until the morning hours, with his eyes. so you title was affective. and then.........
months later i find out there is far more brilliance behind the picture. as always your unbelievable word play reminds me how smart i will never be. she runs faster than her mascara is, maybe, the coolest line i have ever heard. perhaps the 'ade' and 'aden' rhymes were overused (he chuckles) but i guess it works because it's not toward the end of the poem.
'waiting for the second R to come' is also great. as it's being read for the first time it's like huh?? (spoken like conan) and then all is explained in full detail with the next line.
i really dig this poem, and how it is laid out. it is complete and smart and well written. very well written.

love ya
Reply
:iconcocoon:
cocoon Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2003
"Each night she reads her bruises like Braille."
i loved the whole poem, but the end...simply...i have no words...
Reply
:icongnaime:
gnaime Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2003
Comprehensively wonderful. Great piece.
Reply
:icondefyjane:
defyjane Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2003  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
That was awesome...totally rad. You have really strong lyrical power and some very awesome word choices. Hug poor woman, its what weve been condemned to.
Reply
:iconeclipz04:
eclipz04 Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2003  Hobbyist General Artist
from ~critiqueme

Um. I have to say, you rhyme a lot. At first it had me mesmorized, i was reading and seeping every word, following you like a dog on a leash, you with a treat. but then it got overdone. I realized you were just going to tease me. Or.. well yeah. The rhyme got old, too cute-like. Dr suess-y and the sort. Yet, I can't ignore the underlying meaning. You hid it all so well. Yet as it trailed on your metaphors and mixed ways and cryptic meanings got lost and you ended up bluntly telling us what was/ what is. Not making us read between the lines.

I liked reading inbetween the lines. Course half of these fans probably wouldnt of gotten it if you hadn't started growing more blunt. Then again, you didn't get that blunt. I think you just became more readable. Oh whatever, that's all I can say about that.

I love the way you say things, the cryptic tale of woe ^^ its sad and yet funny. Maybe that's mean to say but its what I saw. I saw the way you twisted words and have to giggle. Then again I've been desensatized to what this poem is about, but that's more personal and you get the idea.

Nicely done, wonderful fan club ^^ and rightly so. You can tell you put work into the poem, carefully selecting words. Least I think so. o.O never too sure sometimes. lol. Good job.

-brita-
Reply
:iconrunnerup:
runnerup Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2003
oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh
I absolutely LOVE this. I can't even tell you why. The words just kinda' sucked me in.
This is the best rhyme I think I've ever seen in a poem, and the only kind of rhyme that belongs in one.
Wow.

+fav definitely. Most definitely.

Heart
Reply
:icongraeflame:
graeflame Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2003
wow. just wow. this is so sad, and shows what a lot of relationships must be like sometimes.
+favlove

--GF
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:iconvi0lentdoll:
vi0lentdoll Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2003   Writer
heh. thats really good.
Reply
:iconklentex:
klentex Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2003
this is one of the better poems ive ever read, and the rhyme scheme is very interesting moreso. this reminds me of my parents, but it was more emotional abuse more than physical...indeed a very vivid imagery, that should never be seen...nice work...
Reply
:icongrimlohk:
grimlohk Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2003
This kicks ass. Thanks for sharing. Very.... vivid?
Reply
:iconxfaithx:
xfaithx Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2003
I'm in aw. I love this poem and each line created in it. EXCELLENT job indeed!!
Reply
:iconmisty911:
misty911 Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2003  Professional General Artist
Worship
Reply
:iconcrypdreamsted:
crypdreamsted Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2003
Awesome! Love the presentation. Great way to display a controversial message within lyricism.
Reply
:iconspeckle:
speckle Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2003
niceeeee!
Thumbs Up
Reply
:iconjuushika:
juushika Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2003
Been waiting all day for a piece of poetry worth nothing and this would be it...

Wonderful diction, wonderful alliteration, wonderful rhyme scheme--and the little lesson/moral/concept is just icing on the cake. You choose your words with care, and I love it. The end effect is very dramatic, very clever ... and it calls for rereading, not because it's hard to understand but because it deserves more attention. Commendable writing--good job.

Just one question: why the inconsistent punctuation, specifically regarding apostrophes? Example:
She wears the make up so he wont lose face.
Fat slouch, soiled briefs, mouthful of tooth paste.
He's a relic from a past era.

I think it might read better if you chose to use them or not use them, but, hey, just my opinion...

The poem is still great.
Reply
:iconblanquita:
blanquita Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2003
wow. thats awesome.. the play on words is expertly done. nice job.

i especially like :

"The hand shes dealt is knuckles
and a battery of bible belt buckles"
--^ the mix of bible belt and belt buckles here has a really great effect..

"He's a relic from a past era.
She will never run faster than her mascara.
Scared...waiting for the second R to come
Scarred...no healing, beckon martyrdom.
Far from numb...but palsy ingrained
A flesh of mesh...and everything taken in vein."
---^ i love the R thing... awesome, and the spelling of vein is a nice touch.

"Lost first, past second, now life is third nature."
i love it---^


excellent excellent excellent work. :D (Big Grin) +fav
Reply
:iconn03113:
n03113 Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2003
I just wondering how my two sentances about my mum came about in this.. :/ I'm so lost.. but it's a good piece of work.. if I wasn't feeling like a pollen victim- I could comment with some stuff.. or something..
Reply
:iconkillcapital:
killcapital Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2003
not bad pussy cat.
Reply
:icondevilicious:
devilicious Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2003  Professional Photographer
Worship

the title, the typography and its placement, the photo, the rhythm, the message and the ending - the imagery is fantastic on this

+favlove
Reply
:iconrazorcutjewel:
razorcutjewel Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2003
It's great! :D (Big Grin) i really like it.

And btw thankies for the comment, i appreciate it.
Reply
:iconkarmacursed:
karmacursed Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2003  Hobbyist General Artist
"Maiden turned maid
Laden with Jade
A once bright son, faded to shade."

I must say that these lines are the ones that got the most attention from me. Great! The theme and tone of the poem carry through brilliantly.

I'll give it four out of a possible five decapitations.
Reply
:iconsixhours:
sixhours Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2003   Photographer
Good use of rhyme! It works.

Kinda reminds me of slam poetry. Very unique!

"She will never run faster than her mascara."

Love this line. Nod
Reply
:iconthyham:
thyham Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2003
inebriate - bible belt is a little midwestern thing...

The last line, mibi...Lovely...Brings together the whole oxymoron of the title.
Reply
:iconinebriate:
inebriate Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2003
Much enjoyed your somewhat playful rhyme flow and rhythym, though I caught a few things reading this:

No joker, ace.
Needs another syllable to complete the flow. I suppose it works with a longer pause, but I read it where it might need another.

bible belt buckles
Doesn't make sense to me. How is being beaten a biblical event? Might work better with a different word. "Biting" ?

taken in vein.
Taken in vain? Is she being stabbed with needles and I'm not picking up on it? Does this imply she's bleeding, or did you mean to say vain?

Also, the ending seemed to get off-track, the two lines talking of the overdue cataracts were either in the wrong place, or unnecessary. That stanza was composed of two lines that weren't related and seemed oddly stuck into the poem. Worth your time to quickly re-think this and judge accordingly. Very much potential. Nod

Reply
:iconiamnophotographer:
iamnophotographer Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2003  Hobbyist Photographer
She will never run faster than her mascara. = gold.


i loved that ending. pretty strong sentances. very well writen. keep them coming man
Reply
:iconshuttereye:
shuttereye Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2003   Photographer
Wow...this really has a lot of power. While I read it, I could amost hear it as an angry rap or something. The rhyming scheme is excellent, I love how insonsistent it is. Truly a great work!
Reply
:iconrhyquiem:
rhyquiem Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2003
The part on poker is rather good:
A broken vase. Poker face. No joker, ace.
The hand shes dealt is knuckles

and it stood out quite a bit. An intriguing piece, bringing some light to spouse abuse.
Reply
:iconlovely-death:
lovely-death Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2003
wow... this is way better than my shit. Anyway, I love the last stanza. The words you use and the way you positioned them are so uuuum.. so delicious in some sense. If you read this aloud it sounds wicked.
Reply
:iconmildewedflower:
mildewedflower Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2003
I love this! You use a wonderful play on words. And the rhyming sceme really compliments the flow. You use really powerful imagery. And it's a strong message you're putting across.

She will never run faster than her mascara.
Scared...waiting for the second R to come
Scarred...no healing, beckon martyrdom.

I especially love this bit. But I can't tell why I love it, it just really stood out for me.

Excellent work! :D (Big Grin)
Reply
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